My dreams must be haunted, it's the only explanation I have for waking up in the morning and thinking to myself "ergh, not again" Go haunt someone else!! Now. Go. Go.

I think my boss' new boss might be in "love" with me. To be honest, I can never really tell if anyone likes me, but I was just chatting about some random shit like I always do, and you know, I feel pretty comfortable and slightly confident around someone for once, so there I was rambling away - I think it was about my first memories as a child, which was obviously music - and after I finish she just says in a really honest and caring tone "you're very charismatic. You must have a very beautiful girlfriend" I started blushing, but hey, I blush easily anyway and, COME ON, I'm the least charismatic guy on the planet, then I made another lame joke to avoid the situation and get onto a new subject.

Mmm, I'm just about to give me Grandad the tickets for the game - yes, they've all arrived. I might post a status report later.

Late.

He was totally into the tickets and can't wait for the day. I got see a hint of joy in his eyes like "why would anyone do this for me?"

17/7 - It's more fun than work to take care of someone you love today, and you are willing to do more than your fair share. As altruistic as this can be, it's important not to go too far overboard because you can exhaust yourself before you realize what happened. Save some of your nurturing and pampering for yourself. If you feel good then you'll have even more to give to others.

18/7 - You may be overly protective of co-workers or friends today, because you appreciate having them on your side. The Full Moon in your social 11th House encourages you to be with others, yet as the day progresses there could be so much going on inside your head that you just need to be alone. Even if your day is very busy, find a way to get some quiet time for yourself.

19/7 - Although talking about your feelings can be just what you need, you'll only alienate others if you take it too far today. The problem is that your friends might encourage you to say more because they think it's their duty to listen to you. And you think you need to tell them just because they asked. There's no need to shut out anyone who cares about you, but rambling on about the nitty-gritty details of your life won't make anyone feel any better now.

20/7 - You may need to start the week fresh tomorrow by coming clean and telling someone what you are feeling. But today you should be able to get away with keeping your emotions to yourself. Enjoy the privacy of your daydreams while you can; take in a movie or read a book to get lost in a fantasy. Keep in mind, though, that you cannot keep your secret for much longer.

21/7 - The Moon's return to your sign can bring worry today, but your free-floating anxiety may be hard to pin down. Unfortunately, it's harder to figure out a solution if you cannot find the source of your uneasiness. Still, direct action is better than none at all. You can improve your day by surrounding yourself with the beauty of nature, good music and loving friends.

-Russ
xo

I only managed to get 2 hours sleep last night. Work today was felt like an even dimmer experience than what it normally is; for the first half of the day I kept my glazed eyes squinted until all the noise and cloudiness drifted from me. I spent the second half of the day talking to the new assistant manager. She's from Yugosavia I could bring in my conversation piece on how I visited there when I was a kid and saw fighter planes everywhere. Either way, she's exactly how you would imagine a Yugosavia; blonde, blue eyes, very pretty, tall, like insanely tall and really burly. I would imagine that she could get myself and maybe 10 over guys in a headlock at the same time, maybe even choke slam us or power drive us into the ground - but she's incredibly sweet and friendly and I'm totally down by the fact she's laughing at my crappy jokes.

My actual boss was on Top Gear this weekend. She'd been going on about it all week and I totally forgot to watch it and so she asked me yesterday and today whether I saw it, but both times she was met with a "yeahs, sorry... I found myself really busy." But just now it actually clocked in my head so I decided to iPlayer it and there she is, around the 15 minute mark peering her head out the side of the crowd being impressed with whatever crap Clarkson was babbling on about.

This weekend wasn't too bad. I didn't care too much about Friday, actually, I wasn't going to go out but popped into the pub to catch up with a few friends. Saturday was rad; Sam and I got some filthy rosé and hit up our usual park to chill in there from 4-9ish. It was a grand time hiding out under the band stand, listening to the rain and then listening to whatever was on Sam' phone like a bunch of chavvy kids. I bought a sixer of Capri-Sun as I forgot how awesome they are. I might buy another sixer of them and chill out in the park tomorrow after work and read a book - obviously will never happen but the thought is there. Sunday Ben roped me into some club which was dead so I quick cut out and chilled with a nice walk home.

My ribs still hurt but not as much as what they used to. I read that bruised ribs can take 4-6 weeks to heal and broken ribs can take 6-8. Ergh.

Boring weekdays. I think I'm going to avoid the world for a while. Yeah.

13/7 - You may not have a chance today to zone out and let your imagination take you on a ride. Even if you are ready to escape, you might need to fulfill an obligation to a parent or to some other authority figure. Don't waste energy complaining about what cannot be changed. Instead, just do what is required early enough in the day so you have sufficient time later to activate your dreaming mechanisms.

14/7 - This can be an exciting day filled with surprises. You may have had your share of unexpected twists and turns in your personal life as Uranus moved through your sign since 2003. Now, as these changes reach a culmination, throw off any additional restraints that prevent you from living life to the best of your ability.

15/7 - Your key planet Neptune is under a bit of stress today as it creates unpleasant aspects with the Sun and with quicksilver Mercury. You could be dazzled by all the bright lights and wonderful choices, yet cannot reason which way to turn. Fortunately, when you stop your analysis and start moving, you will be headed in exactly the right direction.

16/7 - You can count on your friends and associates at work because they will come through for you today. But don't push your luck and ask for more than is realistic. Keeping a sensible perspective on your relationship to others is crucial, for it's much easier to accomplish what you want when you are not doing it all by yourself.

-Russ
xo

Boss "This lady has put down 'expanding my experiences' on her CV"
Me "Maybe I should put that on my CV next time, though only if I was going for a job as a gigolo"

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me to say that to my boss?

9/7 - Your frustration level increases as someone overtly tries to prevent you from reaching your goals. But just because the resistance is more obvious today, this doesn't mean that you'll be able to easily overcome it. Be prepared to fight for what you want; you'll be surprised at the results if you are persistent.

10/7 - Getting angry with others may be an effective way to blow off a little steam, but it won't likely win anyone over to your perspective. Nevertheless, if your position is a sensible one, gentle persuasion and accurate facts should allow you to line up one or two key authorities who would be willing to weigh in on your side. With a very small number of key allies, you should be able to attract all the help you need.

11/7 - You have an emotional agenda today, but it could be challenging to convince others to take on your cause. Instead of setting your needs above those of anyone else, just stay aware of what makes you happy throughout the day. Avoiding extreme situations where everything or nothing goes your way is a wise strategy to ease any anxiety you may be feeling.

12/7 - Don't try to escape today from a previous commitment. Of course, changing your plans at the last minute isn't fair to anyone else, but it also won't feel good to you. If you want to enjoy yourself now, you'll need to serve others before serving yourself. Surprisingly, you might end up preferring to help someone else even more than fulfilling your own needs.

-Russ
xo

My fingers are bloodied up from the show yesterday, I played quite hard and didn't screw up too much though I couldn't hear myself to be honest "can I have more vocals and guitar in the monitor, please?". Lou said I was a lot more confident on the stage and the feedback I received in general was quite good - a few humble nods and smiles. I shook quite a lot, so I had to have a beer to settle me down but after the first song I pretty much just zoned out, peered into the crowd every now and again and just kept playing. I think I need to stand more still on stage though cause I just sink into my own little world too much, sway around and find myself miles away from the mic. Set list was Where I Was Heading, Closure, Talking Again, The Ivy Leaf Agreement (+extended ending), The Feeling I Can Live With (Just realised how much I hate that title so I'm changing it to) You Make It Harder On Yourself and Angle & Distance (+extended ending).

I've decided the waiting around before the doors even open is the worse part; making sure everyone has their gear in, the stage is set up, the levels are right, everything's packed away, the door is set up, the bar is rolling. It's a really drawn out process where you just wait your turn and then wait for the doors to open. Once the crowd come in everything seems to move a lot faster and then before you know it you're on and you're off and you end up talking to people you'll never see again and being really appreciative of any compliments you ever get and you think to yourself that it wasn't so bad only to freak out when the next one comes around.

I got another message from that girl

yes thats the one! it was the best song iv heard in years (and i actually talked to people at glastonbury about your music)....

when are you coming to ireland?....

kerri xxx

Stuff like this makes me nervous. Actually, everything makes me nervous. The cover in question is actually terrible, I can't listen to it without cringing at the out of key vocals and dodgy out of time playing.

I like todays Tarot.com

8/7 - Your friends might seem overly enthusiastic about something you are doing now, but don't make decisions based on their judgements alone. The problem is that everyone carries emotional and spiritual baggage, clouding how he or she sees the world. The wonderful encouragement you now receive just might be hiding something that lurks in the shadows. Don't be too quick when responding to an opportunity. Take your time and move at your own pace.

-Russ
xo

Wiggy, ya!! I got this message on myspace today

"amm i know this is very random but is there any chance you could put up the song that used to b on...know it was a cover of anothr song but cant remember which one...i loved it
please?

xxxx "

-Russ
xo

Nothings better than burning down the A127 on a Saturday afternoon with your mother singing to Backstreet Boys.

Nothings better than a jocks and preppies party with your bros, being involved in some weird cider game, doing way too much dirty tequila, drinking out of plastic red cups (yes yes yes!!!), talking about punk music, and watching Dick Smith vom. Last night was seriously awesome, everyone had a good time and it's nice to see everyone smiling and laughing for once. I went as a preppy of course, and other than Matt everyone else was a jock. Matt actually had a Patrick Bateman vibe going on, I was into it. People starting diving into the pool, it reminded me of the end of season one of Brothers and Sisters or every single American teen movie from the 80's to the late 90's.

Some days I do feel like I need a hug. One of those ones where your bones are gently crushed inwards, it feels warm and comforting. I want one of those at the moment. But I can't because my ribs still hurt! Actually, I am feeling quite positive, but I just feel like one of those hugs. Actually, I think it's to do with work - I've only been there 5 weeks and I already feel like I need a break from it. It feels so isolating there, and I think the thoughts rolling around my head of "everyone hates the auditor" don't help. I still don't like the idea of basically tattle tailing on people.

Ben told Karolina how much I get wigged out talking to people on the phone so her and Katie called me up like 10 millions times for a chat. Fun fun times. My phone is breaking down on me, it just shuts off for some reason when I get a text or call, or pick it up to check and realise that I haven't got any new texts or missed calls. I think this will be a good excuse for not picking up my phone for any calls.

I'm making up CD's just in case anyone is at the show and the slim chance that if they are they might actually like what I do and not be bored. I still have no idea what I'm going to play and I have no idea what I'm going to say. I'm going to be so professional. And, erm, fuck, I just found out John Kennedy is meant to be coming down tonight. Wig out factor a million, yo.

Obviously I haven't eaten. Argh. Show time.

4/7 - Fortunately, the idea of having a family picnic or barbecue sounds good to you today. You look forward to temporarily forgetting the complexities of your work-related partnerships. Now, all you need to do is focus your feelings on enjoying yourself. Remember, you'll have plenty of time later to get back into the swing of work so you can meet your deadlines.

5/7 - You can seem a lot more rebellious now than you actually are, for you probably don't realize how edgy your words sound. You are able to say things that you don't feel overly attached to, so you may not censor your off-the-cuff opinions. Unfortunately, others may not take your words so lightly, so go out of your way to allow for differences of opinion.

6/7 - If you could slip into a parallel universe today, all the colors would be perfectly matched while your favorite music played softly in the background. Fortunately, you don't need to travel to another dimension for everything to seem perfect now because perceptive Mercury is harmonizing with dreamy Neptune. Reach into your fantasies from where you are and strive to make one of them real.

7/7 - Be careful not to set up a situation where your boss or another authority figure becomes angry with you. It might appear as if others are trying to prevent you from being productive yet it could be something you did that puts these restrictive wheels in motion. Fighting the resistance externally might be fruitless now; instead, just polish your act and try again when circumstances allow.

-Russ
xo

I've come to the conclusion that when I genuinely start to like someone I actually end up sick. Not sick in the head, just sick in general. Not so much physically these days but the nervousness does freaks me out - creeks in my stomach, has me shaking, over thinking - it even rides out in my dreams. It's probably the reason for my sudden weight loss which is slowly starting to clamber back but I'm kind of sad about. I was getting used to a 30 waist and weighing close to 9 1/2 stone. Still, my Ethiopian gas belly still hasn't stripped back.

Work hasn't been too bad. Incredibly boring, but bearable. I don't really feel I'm connecting with anyone there which sucks, I just ride out my shift and try not to make any ridiculous comments. Like today my boss was asking me about some email I sent 'cause we was trying to sort out some boring tracking thing for a lazy woman and then she saw the word sex in it. Obviously it was a typo and I had originally meant the word sec, as in secretary, but I didn't bother saying this, instead I said "well I guess we know what my mind was on". She laughed, maybe more in fear rather than anything else. My cheeks flushed and I blushed. Though my boss' boss did genuinely, but lightly, laugh when she was telling me about some flirty girl coming to our office and I said "maybe I'll facebook her" - My cheeks flushed and I blushed. I seriously need to think about what I'm about to spit out of my mouth sometimes, but for some reason I just have a reaction to blurt out random crap all the time, and then I think back moments later and realise it could be interpreted in so many other ways and no doubt is.

Something rad that I did find out about the hospital was that if a new born baby doesn't have a name straight away they call it baby. I don't know why but I was totally into the idea of it. I was looking through a list and just saw a billion babies named Baby [insert suitable surname].

But yeah, I got paid a decent wage, which is awesome considering I'm doing jack shit; I'm sure this won't last long. I was going to buy an acoustic, but I think I was getting way too excited and didn't realise that I had already spent £500 of this money as soon as it hit the bank, so I'm going to wait it out until next month. This month I bought a fishman pickup for the show on Sunday, but it still hasn't arrived, and I still haven't practised, and Chinwag have pulled out, and I might have to play a longer set, and I haven't practised, and I have a new song which I finally finished on Monday but barely know it and still not sure if it's ready because some of the lyrics are sketchy, but then I always hate my lyrics because they're always sketchy, but then the majority of people never listen to lyrics which makes me sad. Ergh. Freaking out. Yes. Actually, I've been quite calm with it all recently, numb to it in fact.

Another worry about the show is the fact my hayfever has been going bizarro recently. Like actually insane; having sneezing fits, heavy heads and all round slogginess lasting for days at a time. It's horrible. I'm hoping it doesn't screw up the show. The doctor prescribed me some new tablets, he said they're a lot stronger so I guess they're going to make me drowsy. Awesome.

My rib is bruised, or fractured, or something. I have no idea. But I know I can barely twist, bend, or get out of a chair without being in pain form it. Actually, I can't even sneeze or cough, it hurts that much. It started on Saturday when I woke up, there wasn't a bruise there but I was in pain. Lou said a break would hurt more, and to be honest I do remember my fractured arm from when I was a kid hurting a lot, so maybe it's not a break of any kind. I guess I need to roll with it for another week.

I was always proud of the fact I had never bought any converse ever in my life. Not when they became popular again 4 years ago, not when they was only £20 and nike didn't own them and they also lasted longer, and not when I was a kid because there wasn't any rad shoes about. I never sold into it, and I was actually going to try and avoid them for as long as humanly possible. Last Saturday I caved and I caved big time. I went on some insane spending spree on shoes - and that never happens - and ended up buying a pair. But they're not like normal canvas ones, they're really bright blue and made in some other material I haven't been able to fathom yet. I also bought a pair of £10 airwalks from soccer sports. And I also bought a Levi' shirt. And I'm still waiting on my threadless T's which I've just found out have been caught by customs so I have to pay the dreaded import tax.

That's enough.

25/6 - Expressing what's in your heart isn't always easy for you, but today you might take a risk and put it out there. The response may not be exactly what you expect, though, for others may be threatened by your disclosure. Saying too much could reveal things they don't want to know. Remember, just because you feel something, that doesn't mean you need to share it. Pay close attention to your audience's reaction before you go too far.

26/6 - Building on what you already started is easier now, but it can be hard to find the right pace to sustain your efforts. You are both the hare and the tortoise today, first jumping ahead and then slowing down, only to speed up again. Although your uneven work rhythm can be annoying to your co-workers, it's likely the best way for you to maximize your energy. Worry less about what others think than about how much you can accomplish.

27/6 - You know that something is about to change, but you cannot yet tell what it is. In the meantime, your emotions are ragged; you are on edge today because you don't know how to express what you are feeling. Instead of relying on words now, remember that your actions speak loud and clear. You can always explain yourself afterward, if necessary.

28/6 - If you imagined dreaming your way through a relaxed and free-floating day, then you may be in for a disappointment. However, the structure of commitments or appointments could also give you a much-needed sense of security, for you won't have to waste energy on trying to figure out what to do next. Don't fight the inevitable; just show up on schedule and enjoy yourself the best you can.

29/6 - It may feel as if there's movement just outside of your reach. Someone in your life is changing and you cannot stop the process, even if it worries you. Exercising control over something within your sphere of influence may be more about showing off your power than doing anything of real significance. Instead of wasting your mind power on trivial matters, save your energy for when you need it later on in the week.

30/6 - You may sense that someone in your life could turn into more of a problem for you in the days ahead. An attempt now to nip the situation in the bud could be effective, but not if you try to suppress the natural expression of anger or fear. If you really want to handle the situation, draw the other person out and let them share his or her story. At least then you'll be able to deal with it in the open.

1/7 - Increased activity in your environment can lure you deeper into a relationship with an existing partner or a new friend. But all is not simple, for you can already see the roadblocks ahead. There's no need to rush forward; the fast track won't be as stable as a slower and cooler approach. Take your time or you'll need to slam on the brakes in just a few days.

2/7 - Even if you must work today, in your mind it's a play day. The bad news is that you'll still have to perform your regular duties. The good news, however, is that you should be able to make time for the fun and games you seek. But don't wait until you are finished with your job. Incorporate spontaneity and gaiety into the chores of the day.

3/7 - You cannot wait any longer; you just want to have some fun. But it's hard to ask for the time off or to try and get people to join you now, so you could easily slip into an invisible mode and forgo your cravings. Luckily, jovial Jupiter in the social 11th House brings opportunities for laughter and other pleasantries. Today big steps are not necessary; just take baby steps in the right direction.

-Russ
xo

Ben is dragging me out for the third Thursday in a row which I know will probably turn into Friday too. Now, I know Ben - like I know the little shit inside out. He may not talk much but when you've been around him for five or so years you get a kind of understanding. I know his creepy little motives which he never admits to. I know that he would never normally go out on a Thursday night unless Karolina and co are going or there's a full force of bro's out. So with this information I know he's stalking some girl, and I think I know who but I just need confirmation, which I know he won't give me. I've asked him but he denys all knowledge. More on this soon. Maybe.

20/6 - Even on this longest day of the year, you may have to go through a dark night of the soul as you question the meaning of your life. Fortunately, this existential dilemma won't last long so you'll soon be able to get back to the more pragmatic issues of your life. If you are unsure of yourself or your direction, wait a few days to see where this all goes before making any big decisions.

I like the word pragmatic.

-Russ
xo

You know what my favourite part of the day is? Any time where I walk home from a place. And it could be anywhere; work, friends house, club, the station - whatever. I just end up putting my music on and completely zone out for a good 20 minutes. It helps settle my thoughts down a lot.

I find it strange how sometimes all the boxes can be ticked and yet I still don't get any vibe. And if I'm not getting no heat I find my window and back jump out. Heat theory is all I have to go on these days - it's that nervous sickly feeling I get thats makes me feel alive, and it's the un-forced smile on my face, and it's the actually wanting to make them laugh, or almost impress them with how much we're alike. Maybe they get the heat, I don't know. But I need to be getting the heat, you know? I've probably stolen this from some science journal about large clusters of stars but whatever, it sums up me quite well. Yes. Either way, I think I've concluded I don't like the idea of ever being any ones second best and I don't want to screw people around by having them as my second best. It looks good on paper thus far.

The meeting today wasn't too bad. All my managers offered to give me a lift there. Debbie, the motherly one, seems to always ask whether I'm nervous before hand and I always shake it off and say I'm not, even though I am a little bit. It felt weird being half the age of everyone else in the room but I'm glad they're not asking me questions yet. Well, except for at the end when they asked if there was anything I wanted to add - I kept my mouth shut and shook my head quickly.

I'm happy that I finally get my first pay cheque from this new job next Wednesday. There's so much I need to buy; a new acoustic is my main priority as this one has totally flaked on me, so I reckon a grand on one would settle quite nice and hopefully last me out though I'm a little scared about spending that much money on one but I really want something rad and not mass produced. My last one was £600 and it lasted me a good 6 years. So maybe you spend a £100 for a years worth of acoustic life? I also need to get a new iPod considering the iPod incident in the summer of 2007 where my second one broke and I was resorted back to the iRiver... ergh. I guess the iPod isn't a main priority but I really want to get this bulky piece of shit out of my pocket for good. One bouncer the other week though it was a mobile phone. Actually, I kind of like that about it, but it's such a pain in the arse to use.

19/6 - You have so many things to take care of at work today that you might not even know where to begin. Nevertheless, don't make such a big deal about it. Instead of involving others in your drama, it's better if you just jump in and get as much done as you can. Even if there are unexpected twists to your day, just try to roll with the incoming waves. It's more sensible to let go of control than to pretend to have it when you really don't.

-Russ
xo

I think I've made a commitment I cannot keep. Totally should of listened to you Tarot.com.

I'm being dragged into another meeting tomorrow. I think it's quite a big deal as there's all executives there and the like. Hopefully I won't fall asleep.

Almost finished a new song. Shocking. Lyrically it's quite sketchy. What's new. Maybe I'll end up liking it.

Erm, ya. I had things on my mind I wanted to write but now I've forgotten them. Babble. Babble. Babble. Sleep.

18/6 - Today's outgoing Sagittarius Full Moon falls in your 10th House of Career, revealing how your emotions can positively impact your professional life. Even if you are worried about sharing your feelings in public, it will probably be a lot less painful than you think. Others may respond with their own fear, but it's crucial for you to remember that you aren't responsible for anyone's reaction, except your own.

-Russ
xo